Purugly

Purugly you are the kind of Pokémon that fuels those annoying 1st gen people. For that alone I hate you. But what's worse is that when it comes down to it you do back up their argument pretty damn well, you've ugly as sin, it's even in your name. Even the people that gave you your English name couldn't bring it to themselves to try and deny it, even they must of thought you were a vomit inducing eyesore. Purr and ugly are what make up your name, what cats do and what you are. Ugly! Look at your stupid curved whiskers, do you even know what whiskers are for, why would they be bent like that? Your heads are shaped like the letter 'U' with ridiculous ears that look like wings, which might be slightly more acceptable if they were that but they're not. You have a weird fluffy middle section with looks like someone got bored half way through designing you, drifted off and started drawing a sheep before suddenly snapping back and drawing your twirly tail. Felines use their tails for balance and communication, how can you do either of those things with a tail like a slinky?

I'm just glad there are plenty of good looking Pokémon in the 4th gen to make me forget about you. You suck!

Chikorita, Bayleef & Meganium

On the face of it, Chikorita seem a perfectly acceptable grass type. But what sucks about Chikorita is how rubbish they are compared to their grass type predecessor, Bulbasaur! Bulbusaur was cute but he didn't get all girly about it, he had universal appeal. Chikorita has a green pearl necklace! What is that all about? Do male Chikorita have that too? Ok so they'd look a little plain without the neck decoration but surely there was a better solution. For that reason alone they suck, but then when you see their evolutions things just go downhill.

Bayleef....bay leaf. Ok I get the pun but what has that got to do with the Pokémon? It's not described as a herbal Pokémon anywhere is it? And what's with the necklace thing again it's just gotten worse, it doesn't even look attached or straight. Bayleef is like some kind of wonky giant necklace wearing dinosaur. Ivysaur have a flower bud on their backs and still manage twice as cool as any Bayleef, Bayleef sucks. But it gets worse, much much worse:

Meganium. A dinosaur with it's head stuck in a flower. What is the point? I though starter Pokémon were meant to start of cute and grown up to look bad-ass? Unless that flower is for attracting huge swarms of Beedrill which are then unleashed upon the enemy I am not impressed. Nobody would want to buy a game if you were on the front of the box, granted Typhlosion and Feragligatr weren't on the Gold and Silver covers either but I'm 100% sure if they had been sales would of been just fine. But with you, well you could of killed off the series off right there and then. Meganium you lot suck, you jeopardised the whole series with your ridiculousness.

Qwilfish

You know, Quilfish aren't so bad, they're not so great but they're no so bad. Ah but don't worry I'm not going soft on Qwilfish because I like them, Qwilfish do suck. Want to know why? Because they're so forgettable! I like them and I even forget about them, and trainers never seem to have them now so they just sit as an empty slot in my Pokédex with me wondering what the hell I've missed until it look it up online. Though that's not all, Qwilfish has the added gripe for me of being one that doesn't evolve. Which, being a not particularly special Pokémon in any way makes them seem quite unrewarding to catch. They don't learn anything particularly special or of importance, so there is no reason to train them, you just catch them and send them to the PC.

And that is why, Qwilfish, a Pokémon who's design I really quite like, sucks. Damn you Qwilfish, you don't live up to your potential at all!

Cherubi & Cherrim

Yeah, cherry Pokemon, that was a good idea. What the hell were they thinking? It's two cherries with faces and one has stumpy legs. They're almost less threatening than Sunkern except the fact that there's two of them, though one appears to be perpetually asleep. Really I can't think of anything more to say, it's cherry Pokémon, it sucks. Cherubi sucks.

Oh actually I did remember one more thing. If that didn't make you hate Cherubi enough, how about this. Every time you see it's name you will think "cherubi rubi rubi rubiiii waaaaooooo-aaaaoooo-aaaaooooh!" like the Kaiser Chief's song. Annoying isn't it?

Firstly, you frustratingly never show your faces unless you use that stupid Sunny Day move, which is rubbish why would I waste a turn with that? It power's up fire type moves and you're grass types you idiots! Weak ones at that! Why don't I just hand over half my money to the other trainer now and save us all the embarrassment?

Secondly when you do actually open up it doesn't make sense. Look at you all closed up, you have red legs, you open and they become yellow? The stalk and leaves on your head disappear and you gain 5 petals from 2 which turn from dark purple to pale pink? I'd accept this in an evolution but it's not that is it, it's you opening up to the sun like a flower. Actually that in itself doesn't make much sense, I'm no botanist but don't fruits come from flowers and not the other way around?

Not to mention after upping the opponents power against you, you've then gone and removed what little defence you had covering you. You know you lot deserve a Fire Punch to the face you really do. You suck.

Sunkern

Well if you don't know why Sunkern suck then you might as well give up now. Sunkern is a sunflower seed, not a monster, a sunflower seed! How is that a monster? Is it a seed that swarms and suffocates it's victims like ants or tears it's flesh from the bone like a shoal of piranhas? Nah it's just a sunflower seed. And it's a tiny one too, it's possibly the least intimidating Pokémon there is. And Sunflora aren't much better but I'll cover them later.

The name too, it may be a combination of the words 'sun' and 'kern' which all sound clever in principle but it sounds more like a way to describe an old ship at the bottom of the sea when you read it aloud.

You know I actually used to eat bags of sunflower seeds as healthy snacks when I was a kid. That is how non-threatening this 'monster' is. They don't even learn any powerful moves.

Sunkern, you lot suck.

Charizard & Dragonite

Oh get off your high horse Charizard. You lot are as bland as they come. So you were on the box of Red, so you're still the rarest and most valuable production card, you're also still just an orange dragon! Not to mention Blastoise over there on the cover of Blue could kick your ass with ease, I mean yeah Venusaur trumped him but he at least it took a bit of a fight. There's not even any need for Hydro Pump to topple you guys, a simple Surf or probably even a Bubblebeam would do it. You guys are not special. You want to know why you lot ever got popular? Because when Red and Blue came out we were all kids, not like now where the game is played by kids and adults alike. No back then we were young you, were dragons and that's all that seemed to matter. But the times have changed, we've matured and I think it's time you did too. I'm not angry I'm just dissapointed. You suck.

Well talk about let down Dragonite. Dratini was such a cute little blue wormy thing, and Dragonair was a wonderfully elegant blue creature. Then they evolve and they become you lot. A girly looking Charizard. Why are Dragonite orange? When did that happen!? What happened to the serene shades of blue? Orange makes you just like a Charizard!

Even the inside of their wings is a bluey-green like Charizard. Dragonite does not look like it could do any harm, oh sure it knew Hyperbeam but it wasn't the only one then and certainly isn't now. It has a puny and blunt spike on it's head with two weird antennae which came out of nowhere. It really is a mild mannered looking Charizard. Dragonite look more like a creature that should spout sickening cute phrases like "Friends are the greatest gift of all" or "My favourite time is time with you" in a soft dopey tone when a child squeezes it. Chaziard may be bland and weak but at least they look like they can kick ass.

I refuse to believe you lot came from Dragonair, Dragonite. You truly suck!

Girafarig

Ah, the Girafarig. I'm going to be blunt here I really don't like you. You have a dumb name for a start, what is it meant to be? Giraffe I get but then, rig? You're like half giraffe half oil rig or something? Oh how I wish that were true, but sadly you lot are worse still, you're half giraffe half Chain Chomp with Yoshi spikes down your back. And you're not even really trying to hide it. What's more your chain chomp tail apparently has a mind of it's own and sometimes bites you? Your own tail inflicts wounds on you? A dark type wound even, not great for a species that's half psychic now is it? Seriously, your franchise is popular enough, you don't have to steal from others, and if you're going to, do it better and make it less obvious. at least make me have to think a bit before I realise, not just "Holy crap it's a giraffe with a Chain Chomp tail".

Go away, you really do 100% suck.

Rattata & Raticate

Well hello adorable, feisty little Rattata. Aren't you a cutie?  Yes yes you are but you're also just a purple rat with a slightly curly tail! The new designs don't have any creativity? Are you serious, come on Rattata you guys aren't even trying are you? Oh ok, you've only got one whisker, that is kind of different to a normal rat, but is that just because it's easier to draw, much in the same way most cartoon characters have only 4 fingers? I'm not sure but I'm not ruling it out. You guys don't even have any interesting moves, you're normal types! What does that even mean? What is normal in the Pokémon world? Well at least you all evolve into something good...

Oh wait, no you don't. You evolve into a bigger brown rat, much like the ones we have in the real world only rounder and larger. Well I'll hand it to you Raticate you do look like you could exist, but in doing so you also contradict the idea that the 1st gen are more creative than the later gens. There is a reason you could exist, because you pretty much do. You guys don't even have the curly tail or single whiskers! Pretty much the only details, besides colour, that separate the Rattata up there from, you know, actual rats!

Honestly, Rattata you lot and your evolved forms just plain suck.

Blastoise.

Hell yeah they'll kick your ass and hell yeah I picked Squirtle in Blue because I wanted one on my team! But you know why they suck? I'm sure if you really think about it you'll figure it out, yeah you've got it, it's a tortoise with water cannons on it's back!

Let me explain further:

He is a water type and they made him a tortoise, not a turtle which I image was what they had meant him to be, but a tortoise, with legs, not fins, legs, a tortoise, it's even in the name. I mean come on do those legs really look practical for swimming and water-based activities? No. no they don't and that was rhetorical question. They could of at least make them sort of half-fin half-foot limbs like on a terrapin. But I guess Blasterrapin doesn't have the same ring to it.

"1st gen looked like they could of existed"
Look the cover monster for half of the original games proves you wrong right there dumbass. How could an organic being evolve naturally to have mechanical parts? Or am I missing something during that magical glowing stage during evolution where the military grade plumber rushes in and fits and huge water tank and pumps into it's shell?

I know that always with this sort of thing suspended disbelief is a necessity, but Blastoise, you lot take it too far. You suck.

Welcome to Why Pokémon Suck

Woah you say, Pokémon is awesome! How dare you insult my beloved game!
Don't worry my friend, I totally agree. Pokémon is possibly the greatest game ever invented (well maybe after Portal and Patapon but that's neither here nor there right now), and at the time of writing this I am very excited about the release of Black and White and shall be picking up my copy on the day of release and training up my smug looking leaf starter as soon as humanly possible. It is in fact the second best selling gaming franchise ever! I'm sure we all know who's top and let's face it he's had a bit of a head start and even more spin off games so that's nothing to be jealous about, he has earned it.


So why the hate in the blog name?
Well it's because they do, all in their own special way, even the adorable ones like Slowpoke suck for reasons which I shall explain all in due time.

But if I love them why am I pointing out their flaws?
Well I'm am very glad you asked. I am pointing them out because of the annoying, whiny, nostalgic, stuck records that bang on about how the first gen are the best and how the new ones are "devoid of all soul" or "don't look like they could exist like the 1st gen did". A fact that is, to give a the short answer, simply not true or to give the long answer, complete and utter nostalgic bullcrap from whiny morons that need to think about what they are saying. Every generation has it's good an bad, and every player has their own likes and dislikes, I'm sure half of you won't agree with me and I'm sure I won't agree with half of you, but I'm leaving no-one out here, not even my own favourites as this is really the only fair way.

Yes this is an angry blog. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let us begin!